Tomorrow

I go back to work tomorrow. I have known that this day was coming for a long time and I have been praying that the Lord would prepare my heart. I know that tomorrow will be hard, but I feel calm. Part of me is excited to see my big kids at school again and I am blessed to have friends that I am looking forward to seeing. But to be completely honest, my heart is breaking right now. How can I leave that sweet smiling little girl? It is so stinking hard.

I sometimes feel like being a working mom is the most intricate balancing act on earth- balancing being your best at work with being even better at home. Balancing loving your profession with adoring your family. Balancing feeling that amazing sense of accomplishment with feeling guilty. I could go on. It is really hard for me. I love my job. I really do. But I wrestle with these emotions and more.

I have savored the time that God has given me to be a mommy this fall. I have watched Carter grow up so much in such a short time. I have gotten to hold Evyn by the hour and I think that she has actually grown while in my arms. I feel like I know my kids better than anyone else and I love that. What a precious gift the Father has given me in these two precious children. Maybe the best part of being a working mom for me is that it makes me become very intentional about cherishing the time that I get to be a mommy, and I do cherish it. In some ways, I am a much better mother because I feel like I have to make every minute count.

I am also richly blessed that my children will go straight from my arms to other arms that will love and cherish them. They will spend two days a week at PDO with amazing and loving teachers (shout out to Bolton- I love you!), two days a week with Grammy (you know how much you mean to me) and one day a week with the best daddy on the planet. I could not ask for better care for them. And as good as all that sounds, it is still not me. I am thankful for the precious love that they will receive and almost jealous of the people who will get to be with them while I am working all at the same time.

It is my tendency to be a somewhat irrationally emotional person. My nature right now is to grieve the time that has passed- grieve the fact that Evyn is almost three months old and my maternity leave is over. God is slowly teaching me to live in the present. Each day is so full of joy and I don't want to miss a minute of it because I was too busy crying that yesterday is over. I want to love a life of "todays". And I guess that means that I need to let go of my anxiety about tomorrow. I know that God is big enough to hold me through it. I know that my Heavenly Father delights in me even more than I delight in my own children and that makes me feel richly loved. So pray that as I drop off my babies in the morning my heart will be full of the love of Christ and that I will be able to focus on that throughout the day. Pray that tomorrow will not be a day of sadness but the start of a new chapter for us. Thank you all for your love and support. I am so blessed to have the friends that I have. And thank you giving me the freedom to be transparent here. I promise to get back to posting about mousetraps and skin tags soon!

(Oh yeah, if you want to make me feel a little bit better, you could always go vote for me (#13) again here: http://denaehutsonphotography.blogspot.com/)